I had a nightmare

....there was a serial rapist stalking me. My friends hired him to do work on our house, and they wouldn't believe me when I told them he was dangerous.

I won't discuss the dream further, that isn't the point of this anyway.

It is nice to wake up next to someone you are holding and tell them your dream in half sleep; and know when you fall asleep again the nightmare will be gone, and perhaps he helped to chase it away.

The day after thanksgiving

and I actually do feel thankful today. We had a nice dinner last night, lots of people around waxing philosophical and political, good drinks (I tried absinthe for the first time), and I managed (for once) not to over do it. I feel well today, though rather chilly.

Birchwood's mom loves the book. We had it printed and bound for her. It was a topic of discussion on and off last night; I am encouraged and want to do it for real now, and not just as a challenge. What I have right now isn't publishable - but there are a couple of stories in there, that if I expand on them - will be publishable. I want to be a published novelist. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

My favorite phrase of the weekend.

"Let's hurry before the cats come back in."

Imaginary Boy is as wonderful as always. See you all in day or two. I hope you had a great holiday.

signing off now..

it is as finished as it can be for now

I won't make anymore changes to this wanna-be book.
I feel as if I have let the cat out of the bag. It makes me nervous. A friend of mine asked if I wrote and shared it with the purpose of seducing. I really didn't. I have also heard the word 'obsession' since I wrote this. I feel a little uncomfortable.

It is like that dream where you show up to work or school naked. I am naked and exposed, and I feel intimidated by it. I like it - I don't think the writing is terrible, but I just showed so much of myself. I wonder if I showed too much.

I am a little scared right now, actually.
I am sharing big parts of myself; I am more worried about reactions to my personal statements of self than I am of the unfinished quality of the writing itself (I did write it in 8 days after all, it can hardly be finished or polished). I want to hide.

I don't know where to hide.

:(

National Novel Writing Month

I have managed to write 50,000 words for National Novel Writing Month. I decided to do this two weeks into the project, and I finished in a little over a week. My wrists hurt. I am glad I'm nearly finished. I'll do some minor edits today, and bind it as a gift for a friend probably Wednesday night. It will be great to see it as a book.

I am mostly confident in my writing - it isn't perfect, and I wouldn't submit it as it is for publication, but there is a nice story in there.

I know I probably drove some people crazy because this is all I have been talking and thinking about, I apologize for being so single minded, but this was really an important task for me. I had to prove to myself that I could do it.

Thanks for your patience, and I won't mention it again unless it is mentioned to me.

Thanks for the support, too.

I hate to bore people with my obsessions, and I suppose I did a little. I'm feeling kind of discouraged by some of the nonreactions I got.

Is that self centered?

Maybe it is a little bit, but when my friends decide to do something like this, I am as excited as they are while they are doing it and especially when they complete it. I certainly wouldn't ignore them when they were excited. But eh. Such is life, no?

To all of my friends I really do thank you - this has been a learning experience for me.

for alex - though he probably doesn't really want this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgx81jIXh78

I wonder if you realize you have made me believe in music again. I am not ignorant to what that will mean to you. And I'm grateful to you for it. I will not backspace because whether or not you ever even let me know you read this (and I know you - you probably won't), it is so important that I have this gift.

I stopped believing in songs. I discarded lyrics - fancies that only ever get me hurt. I linked the above song, because I listened to it this morning and you were the person who came to mind while I listened. You are amongst my best friends.

I won't chase you off if I can prevent it. I will keep my imaginings imagined .. and appreciate all you do for me.

You are my favorite wall.

Anyway - thank you ..

gotta get over the fucking hump

I am actually a bit relieved that some don't keep up with this. I am freer to express what I need to.

Distraction from lack of human interaction ..
the theme of the day.

I'm really tired of being:
ignored
disregarded
cast off
blown off
dismissed

..... I have an ego, too.

It gets old, and I don't know how much longer I can really cope with it.
It's fine to care and give
but as a good friend has taught me
when you are the only one giving
it is time to say goodbye.

Guess I need to learn the language of goodbye.

ghost in the machine

I think it would be strange if at 50,
someone handed me
one of those picture frames
that records voices -
I find it disconcerting that I might
hear my voice some years ago
piping out of plastic technology -
a ghost in the machine of time.

forget it..

I am tired of forever chasing people down.
Gonna spend some time in my cave. My friends know how to contact me if they are interested in speaking to me.

....tired of chasing.

the sandman steals my tears at night

I wonder how many people are having orgasms right now..

Would knowing
make time race?

Would it stretch
the frozen pause
before that first kiss?

Or would the distraction
prove too much?

When did I stop believing in god?

He never answered my question.

"Which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

Feathery fingers spoke instead
of knowledge & the loss of virtue
'neath an ancient old tree
behind an abandoned apartment.

What does music sound like from inside the guitar?

The silent aftermath of lust
the way it steals your faith
& lingers long after goodbye

Cold sheets
and shoulders
Percussive -
& more burden
than comfort

Ignored prayers

&

The hushed congregation
of dust on the bureau
in the corner?

Do you sleep with the lights on?

Remnants of belief
settle at dusk –

& cool lips
whisper unprayers
to a god
that never existed.

-

the weight of responsibility

There are words I won't say to the likes of you; a foreigner; a digital entrant in this unofficial game.

reason #4: silence offers its own comfort

I want to remove his defenses one by one. I want him naked - vulnerable. I long to stroke the soft white underbelly of his ego.

reason #3 - drinking is very bad for me

There is static interference gathered at the corner of my eyes. Cotton balls spill out my ears, an overstuffed head underdone before the alarm clock ever went off. 4:30 AM comes very early the day after tying one on. The metronome ticks loudly – sound echoed without answers; bounces the walls fantastic.

Minus the excessive drinking and smoking, I would have slept easy and awoken even easier. No fear of headache could plague my being, no nausea to drip insecurity onto my toes.

Someone please remove the vice grip from 'round my head so that I can think without mental cramps wringing my mind – a dirty washcloth left untended until it has mildewed. The stench is horrible - like popcorn to a 6 stringed Dante.