Happy Holidays are almost over

I am glad for it, though somehow I always miss them as they pass.

The pressure to smile and be cheerful will dissipate with the christmas lights and sale signs.

I had a nice trip upstate. He chased my nightmares off again. They were particularly bad this weekend. Waking nightmares, you might say. It is irrelevant, though. Dreams are dreams. They pass. I am waiting for the tenuous tendrils that remain to drift away with the holiday blues.

There is a strange light on the horizon...so far away -
I can't help but look, though..

What is real?

Only we can say, I suppose. Our beliefs answer that question.

Later.

the eve of christmas eve

Well, Christmas has sped up as it always does. The holiday is nearly over, and as usual I feel like it has passed a little too quickly.

This is a hard time of year for me.

I miss my girls - a lot.

I've been doing my best to keep my spirits up this season, there have been a few challenges, but mostly I think I have managed it.

I'm afraid this won't be very poetic, but sometimes there isn't poetry to get the feelings across.

I'm going upstate for a few days, this is a much needed break from every day stuff.

It's really been a rough week or so, I'm ready for some down time.

I'm feeling the weight of the chill outside, and I wish that things didn't always come to a head during the holidays, but I suppose that is how it works. We all get stressed out and the little things somehow feel bigger than they really are.

We'll recover. It's what we do.

So ..cheers to you, my readers and friends... I hope the holiday is as kind to you as you deserve it to be. Enjoy..be responsible, and share your light.

talk to ya soon.

Emptying my head

It's hump day. I'm glad. This has been a hectic week so far.

So anyway....what's on my mind?

Eh. I find it frustrating the way that friends slip away. I know that I tend to be very sensitive, I can't help it. But when it feels like I've done something wrong - well, it's hard to cope with. Maybe I shouldn't say done something wrong... disagreements with mutual friends that feel like they affect a close friendship ..suck.

I may be among the minority in that I take these internet friendships seriously. I really do. Maybe because if it weren't for them, I don't know if I would be here today. There are some callous people out there, really. It hurts. I'm not just a name on a screen. I'm really a lot more than that, and when I am treated as such, it is frustrating.

I shut down last night.

I feel bad. He was trying to be a friend - he's good at that. But I can't even really explain why this hurts so much. It isn't hormones this time. There is a distinct coolness that I feel from someone who was once a very good friend (and no - this isn't someone who is not a good friend, it isn't one of those situations, feeling that distance with this person really sucks).

I am looking forward to seeing Imaginary Boy again. You know I blush and smile each time I see him again? I really do. I feel a little silly, but I can't help it.

Anyway...
the bitch of the moment is: I am tired of being dismissed.
the smile of the moment is: I don't know, I'll see if I can find one by the end of the day.

The view from the dimestore platter

Note:

The glass is foggy, yet you can still see the choreography of gooseneck gawkers eager to scrape the crumbs of our insanity from cheaply made dinnerware.

Do you remember the night you thanked me?

My tears betrayed me - again.



What we view as weakness are our shining moments.

You say:

I like your brand of crazy.

I say:

Your crazy never hides.

They say:

She is obsessive/He is narcissistic

We look through to the table; distorted and blended with frosted glass & six shades of outofourminds while they lick at salty-sweet morsels of our madness and mourn:

honesty is lost in such consumption

& despite the callous crunch of psychoses in fickle teeth some hearts will never be tamed.



-

questions questions questions

I sometimes wonder about things that I wish I wouldn't wonder about:

If not for the way life and love have shit on us, would we see each other differently? Would the frustration dissipate with inhibition? I don't like questions that exist without even the ability to be asked. I can imagine the conversations in my head; but to speak or even type these words directly feels too tenuous. It feels as if asking is an admission that would make him sway.

I am comfortable with the state of our friendship, it isn't that I'm not. I don't have any other friend who exists in quite the same way as he does. I am grateful for that; I am grateful to that. I know that if we lost touch (though, if I have my way it won't happen again) that somewhere down the road we would find each other and it would be as if no time had passed at all.

So it isn't that friendship isn't okay with me. It really is. I am terrified of anything else, and I think if it were an option that I wouldn't know what to do with it.

It is only that sometimes I would like to know -- if life and love had not taken such grand efforts to shit on us and ensure that our trust was flushed down the toilet of fate.... would we see each other differently? Would we settle into each other and find comfort in that? In some other plane, is that what is happening?

Do my imagined conversations take place somewhere else in reality and allow for a new option, a new path?

Anyway - sometimes there aren't answers. This frustrates me more than anything else. I want to dream my alternate reality.

I had a nightmare

....there was a serial rapist stalking me. My friends hired him to do work on our house, and they wouldn't believe me when I told them he was dangerous.

I won't discuss the dream further, that isn't the point of this anyway.

It is nice to wake up next to someone you are holding and tell them your dream in half sleep; and know when you fall asleep again the nightmare will be gone, and perhaps he helped to chase it away.

The day after thanksgiving

and I actually do feel thankful today. We had a nice dinner last night, lots of people around waxing philosophical and political, good drinks (I tried absinthe for the first time), and I managed (for once) not to over do it. I feel well today, though rather chilly.

Birchwood's mom loves the book. We had it printed and bound for her. It was a topic of discussion on and off last night; I am encouraged and want to do it for real now, and not just as a challenge. What I have right now isn't publishable - but there are a couple of stories in there, that if I expand on them - will be publishable. I want to be a published novelist. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

My favorite phrase of the weekend.

"Let's hurry before the cats come back in."

Imaginary Boy is as wonderful as always. See you all in day or two. I hope you had a great holiday.

signing off now..