questions questions questions

I sometimes wonder about things that I wish I wouldn't wonder about:

If not for the way life and love have shit on us, would we see each other differently? Would the frustration dissipate with inhibition? I don't like questions that exist without even the ability to be asked. I can imagine the conversations in my head; but to speak or even type these words directly feels too tenuous. It feels as if asking is an admission that would make him sway.

I am comfortable with the state of our friendship, it isn't that I'm not. I don't have any other friend who exists in quite the same way as he does. I am grateful for that; I am grateful to that. I know that if we lost touch (though, if I have my way it won't happen again) that somewhere down the road we would find each other and it would be as if no time had passed at all.

So it isn't that friendship isn't okay with me. It really is. I am terrified of anything else, and I think if it were an option that I wouldn't know what to do with it.

It is only that sometimes I would like to know -- if life and love had not taken such grand efforts to shit on us and ensure that our trust was flushed down the toilet of fate.... would we see each other differently? Would we settle into each other and find comfort in that? In some other plane, is that what is happening?

Do my imagined conversations take place somewhere else in reality and allow for a new option, a new path?

Anyway - sometimes there aren't answers. This frustrates me more than anything else. I want to dream my alternate reality.