prosetry

His silent consonants peek when I can't see. The elusive voyeur to my inner exhibitionist.

There is no distinct starting point for me, one day it was as if I finally realized the sun was out. It never went away, I just stopped noticing for a while.

It wasn't like the dream where I am blinded by white and can't keep my eyes open. This was softer, more inviting.

Vision is still blurred, but things are becoming clearer.

catch me if you can

how many times will I post an entry like this?
too many -- no doubt.

run away
the faster you run
the bigger the distance

catch me if you can, motherfuckers.

when I can write this poetically
and in a way so obscure only I will know
what it means
and who I am angry at


it'll be here
for now

catch.me.if.you.can.mother.fuckers.

waiter, there's a fly in my soup...

cartoons
make my heart hurt

they bring to mind
a girl I used to be

she was cool
by someone's definition

webster holds true
for academic twats

in her world
she was a cool girl
lost in his world

I carry her regret
close to my heart

this burden
is borrowed now
& then

to remind me
who I never want to be

(again)

another stupid letter

Dear Dionysus,

I miss you.

You might not understand my silence, but it needs to exist in peace right now. I am unsettled and too insecure to turn your way today. You don't need this doubt, nor do I.

I closed my door last night and locked it. I didn't even allow for music to revel in this state of mind. The silence echoed your lack of presence.

I do know we are friends - companions, even, in our own way.

I feel like right now your life is moving too quickly to include me. Please don't misunderstand. I don't mean to say you should change that or feel bad because of it. I only mean that as long as I don't quite fit, I have to distance myself. Insecurity lives inside me like a demon I can't exorcise.

You shouldn't be the victim of my lack of confidence.

I joke all the time and tell you how great I think I am.

I lie, Dio. I lie.

I don't believe a word of it.

I haven't evolved as much as you have. I still need to hear such words from others.

I really wish I didn't.

I don't want to need to hear reassurances from you.

I miss you.

Shine on,

Silenus

Another weekend has passed

It was a nice one, though.
The quiet permeated me; I feel I can face this week bravely.

My new years' resolution:

Be more patient.

Hehe. This should be fun.
I react far too often, it's time I take a step back and act rather than reacting.

No poetry here, really.
Just another day, and sometimes just another day is good enough.

later skaterz.

come howl with me

If I could write a song, I would, but it has never been my strength.

Under my skin..there is an itch - I can't reach to scratch it.

I find this strange.
I find myself strange.

It is friday #2, and that makes me smile. I want to dance under the moon, I want to sing songs that I don't know the words to, and I want to hide away, pretend I don't want to dance under the moon so very badly.

I can't hide.

Not today.

this is what happens when I try to be angry with you

Dear Dionysus,

I don't feel like talking to you. You detract from my peace today.

I was floating on a cloud
& whispering italics
when I thought of you.

Did you know that doubt pulls at the threads of cumulonimbus thoughts?
You can see the contrails of Atlantis; they drift like seaweed.

I fear this letter drifts in the same way.

Shine on,



Silenus

Happy Holidays are almost over

I am glad for it, though somehow I always miss them as they pass.

The pressure to smile and be cheerful will dissipate with the christmas lights and sale signs.

I had a nice trip upstate. He chased my nightmares off again. They were particularly bad this weekend. Waking nightmares, you might say. It is irrelevant, though. Dreams are dreams. They pass. I am waiting for the tenuous tendrils that remain to drift away with the holiday blues.

There is a strange light on the horizon...so far away -
I can't help but look, though..

What is real?

Only we can say, I suppose. Our beliefs answer that question.

Later.

the eve of christmas eve

Well, Christmas has sped up as it always does. The holiday is nearly over, and as usual I feel like it has passed a little too quickly.

This is a hard time of year for me.

I miss my girls - a lot.

I've been doing my best to keep my spirits up this season, there have been a few challenges, but mostly I think I have managed it.

I'm afraid this won't be very poetic, but sometimes there isn't poetry to get the feelings across.

I'm going upstate for a few days, this is a much needed break from every day stuff.

It's really been a rough week or so, I'm ready for some down time.

I'm feeling the weight of the chill outside, and I wish that things didn't always come to a head during the holidays, but I suppose that is how it works. We all get stressed out and the little things somehow feel bigger than they really are.

We'll recover. It's what we do.

So ..cheers to you, my readers and friends... I hope the holiday is as kind to you as you deserve it to be. Enjoy..be responsible, and share your light.

talk to ya soon.

Emptying my head

It's hump day. I'm glad. This has been a hectic week so far.

So anyway....what's on my mind?

Eh. I find it frustrating the way that friends slip away. I know that I tend to be very sensitive, I can't help it. But when it feels like I've done something wrong - well, it's hard to cope with. Maybe I shouldn't say done something wrong... disagreements with mutual friends that feel like they affect a close friendship ..suck.

I may be among the minority in that I take these internet friendships seriously. I really do. Maybe because if it weren't for them, I don't know if I would be here today. There are some callous people out there, really. It hurts. I'm not just a name on a screen. I'm really a lot more than that, and when I am treated as such, it is frustrating.

I shut down last night.

I feel bad. He was trying to be a friend - he's good at that. But I can't even really explain why this hurts so much. It isn't hormones this time. There is a distinct coolness that I feel from someone who was once a very good friend (and no - this isn't someone who is not a good friend, it isn't one of those situations, feeling that distance with this person really sucks).

I am looking forward to seeing Imaginary Boy again. You know I blush and smile each time I see him again? I really do. I feel a little silly, but I can't help it.

Anyway...
the bitch of the moment is: I am tired of being dismissed.
the smile of the moment is: I don't know, I'll see if I can find one by the end of the day.

The view from the dimestore platter

Note:

The glass is foggy, yet you can still see the choreography of gooseneck gawkers eager to scrape the crumbs of our insanity from cheaply made dinnerware.

Do you remember the night you thanked me?

My tears betrayed me - again.



What we view as weakness are our shining moments.

You say:

I like your brand of crazy.

I say:

Your crazy never hides.

They say:

She is obsessive/He is narcissistic

We look through to the table; distorted and blended with frosted glass & six shades of outofourminds while they lick at salty-sweet morsels of our madness and mourn:

honesty is lost in such consumption

& despite the callous crunch of psychoses in fickle teeth some hearts will never be tamed.



-

questions questions questions

I sometimes wonder about things that I wish I wouldn't wonder about:

If not for the way life and love have shit on us, would we see each other differently? Would the frustration dissipate with inhibition? I don't like questions that exist without even the ability to be asked. I can imagine the conversations in my head; but to speak or even type these words directly feels too tenuous. It feels as if asking is an admission that would make him sway.

I am comfortable with the state of our friendship, it isn't that I'm not. I don't have any other friend who exists in quite the same way as he does. I am grateful for that; I am grateful to that. I know that if we lost touch (though, if I have my way it won't happen again) that somewhere down the road we would find each other and it would be as if no time had passed at all.

So it isn't that friendship isn't okay with me. It really is. I am terrified of anything else, and I think if it were an option that I wouldn't know what to do with it.

It is only that sometimes I would like to know -- if life and love had not taken such grand efforts to shit on us and ensure that our trust was flushed down the toilet of fate.... would we see each other differently? Would we settle into each other and find comfort in that? In some other plane, is that what is happening?

Do my imagined conversations take place somewhere else in reality and allow for a new option, a new path?

Anyway - sometimes there aren't answers. This frustrates me more than anything else. I want to dream my alternate reality.

I had a nightmare

....there was a serial rapist stalking me. My friends hired him to do work on our house, and they wouldn't believe me when I told them he was dangerous.

I won't discuss the dream further, that isn't the point of this anyway.

It is nice to wake up next to someone you are holding and tell them your dream in half sleep; and know when you fall asleep again the nightmare will be gone, and perhaps he helped to chase it away.

The day after thanksgiving

and I actually do feel thankful today. We had a nice dinner last night, lots of people around waxing philosophical and political, good drinks (I tried absinthe for the first time), and I managed (for once) not to over do it. I feel well today, though rather chilly.

Birchwood's mom loves the book. We had it printed and bound for her. It was a topic of discussion on and off last night; I am encouraged and want to do it for real now, and not just as a challenge. What I have right now isn't publishable - but there are a couple of stories in there, that if I expand on them - will be publishable. I want to be a published novelist. Is that too much to ask? I hope not.

My favorite phrase of the weekend.

"Let's hurry before the cats come back in."

Imaginary Boy is as wonderful as always. See you all in day or two. I hope you had a great holiday.

signing off now..

it is as finished as it can be for now

I won't make anymore changes to this wanna-be book.
I feel as if I have let the cat out of the bag. It makes me nervous. A friend of mine asked if I wrote and shared it with the purpose of seducing. I really didn't. I have also heard the word 'obsession' since I wrote this. I feel a little uncomfortable.

It is like that dream where you show up to work or school naked. I am naked and exposed, and I feel intimidated by it. I like it - I don't think the writing is terrible, but I just showed so much of myself. I wonder if I showed too much.

I am a little scared right now, actually.
I am sharing big parts of myself; I am more worried about reactions to my personal statements of self than I am of the unfinished quality of the writing itself (I did write it in 8 days after all, it can hardly be finished or polished). I want to hide.

I don't know where to hide.

:(

National Novel Writing Month

I have managed to write 50,000 words for National Novel Writing Month. I decided to do this two weeks into the project, and I finished in a little over a week. My wrists hurt. I am glad I'm nearly finished. I'll do some minor edits today, and bind it as a gift for a friend probably Wednesday night. It will be great to see it as a book.

I am mostly confident in my writing - it isn't perfect, and I wouldn't submit it as it is for publication, but there is a nice story in there.

I know I probably drove some people crazy because this is all I have been talking and thinking about, I apologize for being so single minded, but this was really an important task for me. I had to prove to myself that I could do it.

Thanks for your patience, and I won't mention it again unless it is mentioned to me.

Thanks for the support, too.

I hate to bore people with my obsessions, and I suppose I did a little. I'm feeling kind of discouraged by some of the nonreactions I got.

Is that self centered?

Maybe it is a little bit, but when my friends decide to do something like this, I am as excited as they are while they are doing it and especially when they complete it. I certainly wouldn't ignore them when they were excited. But eh. Such is life, no?

To all of my friends I really do thank you - this has been a learning experience for me.

for alex - though he probably doesn't really want this..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tgx81jIXh78

I wonder if you realize you have made me believe in music again. I am not ignorant to what that will mean to you. And I'm grateful to you for it. I will not backspace because whether or not you ever even let me know you read this (and I know you - you probably won't), it is so important that I have this gift.

I stopped believing in songs. I discarded lyrics - fancies that only ever get me hurt. I linked the above song, because I listened to it this morning and you were the person who came to mind while I listened. You are amongst my best friends.

I won't chase you off if I can prevent it. I will keep my imaginings imagined .. and appreciate all you do for me.

You are my favorite wall.

Anyway - thank you ..

gotta get over the fucking hump

I am actually a bit relieved that some don't keep up with this. I am freer to express what I need to.

Distraction from lack of human interaction ..
the theme of the day.

I'm really tired of being:
ignored
disregarded
cast off
blown off
dismissed

..... I have an ego, too.

It gets old, and I don't know how much longer I can really cope with it.
It's fine to care and give
but as a good friend has taught me
when you are the only one giving
it is time to say goodbye.

Guess I need to learn the language of goodbye.

ghost in the machine

I think it would be strange if at 50,
someone handed me
one of those picture frames
that records voices -
I find it disconcerting that I might
hear my voice some years ago
piping out of plastic technology -
a ghost in the machine of time.

forget it..

I am tired of forever chasing people down.
Gonna spend some time in my cave. My friends know how to contact me if they are interested in speaking to me.

....tired of chasing.